Rainbow Love Farm

The road to nowhere

2012-01-29T17:20:00.001+10:00

The flood waters have started to recede but here are some pics of the roads...

Into the future

2012-01-26T20:41:00.000+10:00

Today is our third day of being flooded in.

I’m lucky to live in a great community where people look out for and after each other.

The hill top I live on lies between two towns, one 20km to the east and one 16km to the west. Both roads are cut. There are perhaps 200 people who live up here on the mountain.

Neighbours are checking up on each other, having spontaneous working bees to help shore up each others dams, to help fill holes in driveways, dig trenches to divert water around homes, marking deep crevasses in the roads so others are aware of them, offers of food and gas. Although I think it is not just my local community where this happens - in times of need whether it’s a flood or some other event, people rise to the challenge. It brightens my heart, knowing that people are essentially good, there is always so much bad news in the media it can skew your thinking and make you think otherwise.

Today the creeks are still flooded; the roads are in a sorry state with big chunks missing, potholes a metre deep making the roads impassable for ordinary cars. Most people in 4WD’s were turning back when they saw the state of things but a few intrepid people made it to town for supplies, with shopping list of neighbours in hand. Funny how many of us are ruled by our addictions, I think the most common things people requested were beer, tobacco, coffee, chocolate… and of course food.

As well as the intrepid 4WD’ers Peace went into town today, on his mountain bike, carrying it through some of the deeper flooded creeks. He arranged one of the neighbours with a 4WD to deliver some groceries and then later turned up with a bottle of wine and a packet of cigarettes for me. (He knows me so well!)

Being isolated from “the rest of the world”, even just for a few days gets you thinking about stuff. I’ve been thinking about disasters and wastage and self-sufficiency and the future among other things.

Some of my thoughts…

All I need to survive are my family around me, some friends and community and good food.

How much I waste.

Like many people on a low income I live week to week, I usually shop on a Wednesday. The day before shopping day is a bit of a Mother Hubbard day. But we haven’t left the house since Monday and although I was initially worried, when I looked in the pantry there actually was food in there. Not the stuff we generally eat but with a bit of creative cookery and a few fresh herbs good food all the same.

Most of the vegetables I’ve used in the last couple of days would usually been chucked out when I brought more. The beetroots were a bit soft, the greens a lot wilted but the beetroot and black lentil Dahl I made was yum! Really got me thinking how much I throw in the bin at the end of the week, how conditioned I am to shopping for ‘more’. Right now I’m blessing the half-stale pack of weetbixs and the millet I hardly ever use.

Self sufficiency

It has also brought back many temporarily shelved thoughts on self sufficiency. By self sufficiency I don’t necessarily mean the ability to exist without society at all, in fact I’d rather not. I quiet enjoy modern technology and convenience but it made me realise how wonderful our farm was in South East Queensland.

I often think about that though, every week when I go vegetable shopping I sigh.

On our farm we were flooded in many times. And it didn’t matter how bare the cupboard was. We could rely on the chickens for eggs everyday. Even when it was a bit neglected the garden (depending on the time of year) always had pumpkins or sweet potatoes, cherry tomatoes, zucchinis, egg plants, basil, coriander, lettuce, broccoli, kale, cauliflower, onions, leeks, garlic, chives, rosemary, thyme.

We always had one variety of fruit in season; oranges, mandarins, lemonade fruit, passion fruit, kiwi fruit, strawberries, mulberries, tamarillo’s or watermelons.

Not to mention the bush tucker like Lillipillies, Midgims and Davidson’s plums or the weeds, dandelion, nodding top, wood sorrel, sorrel, sow thistle etc, and the pecan nuts, Macadamia nuts and Bunya nuts… No wonder I sigh at the fruit and veggie shop!

And there were the other things we’d planted that were yet to fruit; avocados, mangoes, lychees, bananas, pawpaws, blueberries, tangelos, coffee, olives, apples and pears.

Survival

Right now if there was a crisis situation, I think I’d survive a couple of weeks, maybe a month; and that would include catching and cooking up the wildlife!!!

But back on our farm we could have survived months, maybe even indefinitely. Sure, we’d have to live without coffee until our bush grew bigger but hey, all those shop brought convieniences like coffee, bread, packaged food are things we’d probably be better off without.

My Future

And it’s made me think about my future. In my future there will be a garden. For me there is nothing so relaxing, so centering and peaceful than having my hands in the dirt. I get off on picking veggies five minutes before I am going to cook them. I thrive on looking after chickens and making herbal concoctions from fresh herbs.

I don’t know yet how all this is going to happen but it will be a bigger and better garden than I ever created before. A wild, tangled permaculture food forest, neat, tidy beds of annuals, fruit trees, bush tucker, flowers and herbs, tree houses and shrubs and paths to follow and chickens and ducks and beauty…just beauty.

Floods, vampires and society girls...

2012-01-25T07:45:00.002+10:00

To get to my house from Mullumbimby you have to drive over two bridges and across 19 cause-ways. The road winds along a river valley and then up into the hills where my house is set at the very top. The drive here is beautiful. I love winding through the green fields and then the rainforest. But the fact that the road crosses the river 23 times means that when we get a bit of rain I am often flooded in here, no way to get to town.

Being flooded in is no big deal when you live in sub-tropical country areas of Australia. I’ve lived in a lot of rural areas and usually people are prepared to be cut off for a few days.

The biggest hassle is boredom or cabin fever…you know when the kids have made cubby-houses, played 100 games of monopoly, read books, watched DVD’s and are now bored and cranky and all they want is to get out of the house. In the ordinary circumstances of wet weather you can always take them to visit friends or to go to the movies but when you are flooded in there is no choice but to stay put and try to find more games to play.

Actually I am being a bit unfair here. The kids haven’t really been bored at all, they quiet happily go between reading and playing and building and watching. It’s actually me who gets ants in my pants and “needs” to get out of the house. But never mind me, I am learning to sit and be still and wait for inspiration to strike and if it doesn’t then I just go and play dolls with Tui.

It is rather wonderful being up in the clouds though!

Earlier in the week we were flooded in and the kids wanted to play dress-ups.

Rain came up with a plan to play it like a make-over show.

She took Tui into her room with a pile of dress-ups and make-up and I was to dress and make-up Mr T… we had ½ an hour to create our characters.

Here are the results.

The Vampire.

And the princess (although I think she looks more like a society girl!)

...yep, a bit of a natural model there...

During the last 24hours we have had another 200mm of rain fall. The cause-ways are all flooded again. Unfortunately I was supposed to get a gas bottle delivered this morning but the driver couldn’t get through, as serendipity would have it my gas ran out at about lunch time. So I am hoping the water goes down sometime soon. I can cook on the camping cooker and boil water in the kettle for dishes and washing but it is nice to have some luxuries!

Today the kids are all at Peaces house for the night. And after spending lots of time sewing lately I took out my crochet again. Last week in Nimbin I saw some beautiful knitted dresses for sale. They really inspired me. Not to make a copy but just set a whole bunch of ideas running through my mind. After drawing a couple of designs earlier in the week I started work on one yesterday. I finished it this morning... photos coming soon.

Still here

2012-01-18T04:23:00.001+10:00

I am still here! But I haven't been on the internet much lately. Sometimes because my internet reception isn't working but mostly through choice.
I'm trying to balance my life and I'm finding I'm enjoying real life a bit more lately.

The weather this Summer has been wierd.
We've had so many cold, windy, rainy days. There has really only been a handful of hot Summer days.
So when they do happen we are making the most of them and heading to the beach, the pool or this lovely local waterhole we found recently.

But like my little Buddah here, mostly we are just being...

Eye Strain

2012-01-05T07:42:00.000+10:00

Do you suffer eye strain?

Then these hand crafted leather goggles, with built in strainers could be for you!

My latest invention! zombie post-apocalyptic sink-hole, anti-photon eye-strain protection goggles.

...or maybe they'd come in handy as protective gear when the Zombie Apocalypse happens...

...or maybe they'd make a great accessory for your next costume party...

Anyway, they Do come in handy for putting on, telling your kids you are Ariad the Mad Scientist and Inventor and telling them that for your next invention you are building a creature and all you need to finish it are some kids toes... and chasing them around the house to gales of screams and laughter...until they band together and capture you and wrestle you on the lounge room floor...

Wet weather gear

2012-01-05T06:56:00.000+10:00

It hasn't felt much like Summer so far this season.
We have had so many cold windy, rainy days. The kids have been getting a bit of cabin fever.
But we've been keeping busy, with games and puzzles,

doing craft and reading. I am reading the Harry Potter books to the kids.

Mr T has been helping me pull apart an old sewing machine, I love how he is fascinated with the gears and moving parts.

And we made Tui some wet weather gear out of old shopping bags so she could go play in the rain.

There's a Circus in my house

2011-12-23T06:39:00.001+10:00

Last week the kids had their last circus classes for the year. I know they will miss going there over the holidays. The classes are so much fun, the teachers great and they love seeing their circus friends.

Mr T is especially excited about circus classes next year. He has been asked to join the kids performance crew. So he will be going to circus twice a week and doing longer classes.

But even though they will miss the classes they are still practising at home.

For Christmas I made them a trapeze. It is made from 20mm galvanised plumbing pipe, a couple of elbow fittings, some high strength tow rope and cycling handlebar grip tape.

Peace came over and with his rock climbing expertise rigged it safely to the roof beams.

We didn't want to wait til Christmas to put it up!

So it now hangs proudly in the lounge room alongside the Tissu Rain got for her birthday.

Tama's just been hanging around alot lately.

So along with the Tissu and the Trapeze, the diablos and devil sticks, the pois, hula hoops and juggling clubs that are always lying around between uses my house has begun to take on a decidedly circusy-feel.

All we need now are a couple of clowns... oh, I think we have them already :)

Steampunk cuffs

2011-12-14T17:40:00.002+10:00

Having lots of fun with these.

More styles on my facebook page and on Etsy

Circus Show

2011-12-11T18:08:00.000+10:00

Rain and Mr T had their end of the year Circus performances over the weekend.

I am amaed at how great they are, how much they have leart in just six months.

The kids performances were great and we were also treated to a guest performance by a guy who was in the Siberian Circus which was amaing!

Rain up on top!

Rain's group.

Mr T and Partner.

Mr T again.

One of our homeschooling friends doing her Tissu routine.

Creativity rocks!

2011-12-11T07:10:00.000+10:00

I've been having alot of fun lately being creative. I've been doing heaps of sewing but also crocheting and I have been getting back into writing again. I love the bu you get when you have a new idea, when you start bringing that idea to being. I love that when I'm being creative it seems to inspire the kids to create too.
I guess creavivity is kind of contagious. I find hanging out with other arty, crafty people often sparks off many ideas.

I've shared a few of my sewing creations here already but haven't shared any of my writing yet... it's still a work in progress. It may even turn out to be a short story that turns into a rather long story like this one I wrote a couple of years back. Who knows?

But whatever happens the process itself is enjoyable.

Bustle Skirt and etsy shop

2011-12-09T04:00:00.000+10:00

My latest creation: A steampunk inspired buslte wrap skirt.

This skirt was so much fun to make. The pattern kind of evolved while I was creating it. I've got another couple happening now.
I've also set up an etsy shop at last! Sounds pretty simple really but I have a really, really slow internet connection. To upload photos it sometimes takes me three or four or five attempts, sometimes it can take an hour to upload just one photo. Hence the reason why I don't seem to be blogging as often. I actually am on here heaps, it can just take three days to write and publish a post.
Never mind, less internet is giving me more sewing time :)
My new etsy is here, http://www.etsy.com/shop/marvelsanddreams
and you can see more pics of my skirts over at Marvels and Dreams

This month- November

2011-11-30T05:55:00.000+10:00

November has been a busy month. We started the month in Thailand.

Tui and I on the Ferry to Koh Phangan

Spent the first 9 days on the Island of Koh Phangan.

Tui in one of her (many) new outfits. The kids cloths were just so cute and so cheap I couldn't resist!

...waking up to beautiful sunrises

...exploring beaches and villiages

Mr T picked his first Coconut.

Kayaking to deserted Islands

...where we found Wilson (Tom Hanks' mate)

Although technically I think Wilson was actually a volley ball.

And since we arrived home I've been creating like mad.

Going to local celebrations and to the beach,

...and finding Faeries at the bottom of the garden.

Not to mention that it's almost that time of year again!

Lace and Buttons

2011-11-28T17:25:00.001+10:00

The lace adorns my latest Bloomers. These ones are Black and Grey with a stripey pocket.

And over to the right ----------------------------->>>>> you will see a new button to get to my shop site. Created after much stuffing around with HTML code and a wee bit of swearing...technology is not my forte but I finally worked it out!

Off to work on another Bustle Skirt :0

The six year, five minute flower.

2011-11-25T05:36:00.005+10:00

When we fisrt purchased our farm I discovered some bulbs growing off our back veranda.
I weeded around them and showed Peace where they were so he wouldn't run over them with the lawn mower.
For five years I watered and weeded around my bulbs, waiting to see what they would look like when they flowered. I thought they might be a type crocus but wasn't sure what colour flower they would have.

Every Spring just as they were about to flower they were run over by the lawn mower!

I weeded around them and marked them with rocks but Peace seemed to often forget they were there.

So I moved out from the farm without ever finding out what they looked like.

BUT before he left Peace dug up some of the bulbs and brought them to me in a pot.

Spring has sprung and at last after six years I have seen my flower.
I hadn't even been paying attention to them and walked around the corner the other day to find this...

After excitedly showing everyone I walked away and five minutes later Tui picked the flower and brought it to me with a beautiful shy smile on her face... "I picked this for you Mummy"

At least I now know what type of bulbs I have, even if it didn't last very long!

Looking forward to tending my bulbs and having a garden again oneday to plant them in.

Blooming lovely!

2011-11-24T05:45:00.001+10:00

As I am just loving all things old and lacey at the moment I thought I'd make a modern pair of Bloomers. These are just so comfortable! And to make them a little bit practical I've added a pocket. Because they are not underwear, these bloomers are for going out in!

They are up on my new shop site, check it out :)

Ban Tham Lod Northern Thailand

2011-11-23T12:07:00.000+10:00

My favourite place we visited in Thailand was small villiage up in the North west of the country called Bam Tham Lod. We headed up North after our week in Bangers (aussie slang for Bangkok!) on a mission to find a less-inhabited and less-touristy part of the country.

We spent four nights in Chang Mai, and although it is somewhat smaller than Bangkok it is still Thailand's second largest city and very polluted and Touristy.
Chang Mai has an old district where most of the Tourism is centered. The old district is the part of the original city that was surrounded by a wall and moat. The moat is still in exsistance and ruins of the old wall are still around the city.

Room at Diva guesthouse is Chang Mai

It is a nice city but like many places we visited I felt that I wished I had seen it all thirty years earlier before it became so built up and touristy. But then I can also say that about places where I have lived in Australia! When I first moved to the Sunshine Coast in Queensland 30 years ago it still had the feel of a small beach-side town. Byron Bay 30 years ago was beautiful. I rememberstaying with my parents in a small fibro beach bungalow...where the gaint, modern Byron Hotel now stands...

We left Chang Mai (by mini bus, one of the most winding roads combined with a wanna-be formular 1 racing car driver) and 4 hours later arrived at a town called Pai. Pai apparently is the layed back hippy town of Thailand. To me it just seemed like another touristy town; the difference being that all the markets and activities are aimed at the "hippy" tourists pocket...but it was senically a beautiful area.
While we were here we rented our first motor scooters. We were staying a bit out of town and thought it would be good for getting around.

Tama, Tui and Peace on their scooter

I'm in love with Scooters! If I lived in a town or a slightly less hilly area (and didn't have so many kids to cart around) I would definitly buy a Scooter. They are so cheap to run and fun to ride.

After a couple of days we were ready to head more off the beaten path on our quest to actually expeience Thailand away from the touristy built-up areas.
I had read an article in the Bangkok Post that mentioned a small guest house in a small villiage owned by an ex-pat Australian and since the main activities in the area seemed to be rockclimbing, white water rafting and caving I had no trouble convincing Peace that we go there.

Tui on the banks of the Lod River near Ban Tham Lod

Cave Lod Guest House

Walking to the cave

This guest house know as Cave Lodge
Best place we went to in Thailand!
On a river in a secluded villiage. There's so much to say about it but I can't say it all.
The owner of the Cave Lodge John is absolutely amazing, inspirational man.
The location is beautiful.

While we were there we went caving and on Zans 17th Birthday went rafting down the Lod river through a 400m long cave.
Then John, the lodge owner arranged this beautiful birthday cake for Zan.

The tiny, muddy tunnel we crawled through to get inside the cave. It then opened up into a room about 10meters high and went back into the mountain for 8km!

Going into the cave

Inside Tham Lod (Cave Lod)

coming out of the cave

Tui and I with our River guide

Right now.

2011-11-18T04:42:00.001+10:00

Last night I had insomnia again. It's pretty normal lately, and I have learnt that instead of fighting it and getting frustrated because I can't sleep then just get up and do something til I feel sleepy. So I've been getting heaps of sewing and reading done.

I finally crawled into bed in the wee hours and not long after Tui woke up.
She is so happy and giggly when she wakes up. She was whispering in that kind of stage whisper that little kids do, trying to be quiet and not wake everyone else. So we got up together and played some games and then I got to see this beautiful Sunrise...

I'm hoping for an afternoon nap, or maybe that is just wishful thinking, but the smiles on my babies face and this glorious sunrise are things to be thankful for even if I am a little tired.

Marvels and Dreams

2011-11-17T15:52:00.001+10:00

I will get around to posting some more of our Thailand adventure soon, but for now I have been hit with a creative urge and have been designing some new skirts. Inspired by the lace and frills and bustles of 1870's clothing and the Steam Punk fashion I am currently working on a bustle wrap skirt.

It will be finished soon and up on my newly designed shop website. It also has a new name Marvels and Dreams.
I wanted to change the concept of my shop and here is the new spiel about what I am doing there.
I'll let you know here when it is up and running again.

Most of the clothing at Marvels and Dreams is designed and hand-made by me, Ariad.

Each piece is a unique creation. I don't have the desire to recreate my designs; to create a mass-produced range of clothing; I'd rather create when I am inspired.

I love the idea of everyone wearing unique clothing that reflects their personality/mood/look. My passion is to create one-off pieces that will resonate with someone and become a beloved garment.

Each piece is created with love and inspiration.

Each piece is created with quality craftsmanship and attention to detail.

Techniques include machine stitching, hand-sewing, embroidery, applique, crochet and beading.

Often a combination of these is used in each garment. I use a wide variety of materials in my creations. Reclaimed fabrics and yarns, acrylic yarns and fibres, pure wool, alpaca and hand spun and naturally dyed cottons.

My creation is a continually evolving experiment. I love to discover new techniques and invent new ways of doing things.

Most of my creations emerge without a pattern, just a seed of an idea in my head. Sometimes it takes weeks to find the right materials to finish an item. Sometimes it takes months to flesh out a design.

Some other items for sale are re-designed clothing and interesting accessories.

I off back to my sewing machine now, have a lovely day all.

Home sweet home and the Bangkok Floods

2011-11-13T19:03:00.001+10:00

We are back home from our wanders in Thailand.

It is good to be back.
Back with my stuff. I don't know whether this place really feels like home yet though, but I guess home is where your stuff is.
On the way home I was kind of wishing I was heading back to our old farm. It just felt like home there.

But it is good to be back.I definitely felt like I was coming home driving back from the Gold Coast airport to Northern New South Wales. I just need to find a real home here one day. But I'm not too worried about that right now. Things happen in their own good time.

Our Thailand trip was awesome. We managed to avoid all the floods but didn't avoid being affected by the absolute destruction that these floods are bringing to Thailand.

When we first arrived in Thailand we spent a week in Bangkok.

view from the apartment over the "good side"

We stayed in a private apartment. Which was lovely. It was the same price as staying in a back-packers on Khao San road! And it was clean, had a flushing toilet and even a swimming pool!

It seems that most of the flood coverage I have seen in the media is focused on Bangkok. Of course! Bangkok is the capital and it is where the wealth of the country is, but many other regions have flooded too.

When we first arrived we had planned to go to Aruthaya, a province north of Bangkok where the old Capital city was and there are heaps of Kmere era ruins but we couldn't go as Aruthaya was flooded...it still is flooded six weeks later!

In fact in a bid to keep Bangkok safe the Government has been sand-bagging areas to keep the water out which is causing the flood waters to stay in out-lying areas a whole lot longer than it normally would. Understandably people who live in these areas are a bit annoyed!

But people were being prosecuted for removing the sand bags to save their own parts of the city.

It is all a bit of a mess. Who can say who is right or wrong?

See this article in the Bangkok Post: Big Bag Barrier under threat

The apartment where we stayed bordered two suburbs of Bangkok. One was Sukhumvit, a newly developed business area, on the edge of Bangkok's shopping precinct. The development here is just incredible. Twenty years ago there were still rice paddies here and now there are multi-story, crazily huge shopping malls and skyscrapers being constructed everywhere.

When you looked out the windows of the apartment on the other side you looked down over a suburb called Klong Toei.

view out the window onto the Klong Toei slums

Klong Toei is Thailand's largest slum. Walking along the streets and canals (Klongs) was an eye-opener to say the least. The kids were confronted by how some people live in such utter poverty. I know there are homeless people in Australia and every other country for that matter but we just don't see the poverty and the sad conditions that these people live in. I was amazed at the children's ability to process what they were seeing and to accept it.

The biggest assault on our senses was the smells. The kids were saying so many times each day "OMG! What is that smell!"

I wish I had smell-a-vision so I could share the odor with you.

The pollution from millions of cars, buses, motorbikes, scooters, Tuk tuks is just incredible. A couple of times I thought about buying us face-masks like some of the smarter locals wear when out on the streets.

The odors coming from some of the hundreds of street stalls made me check out the cooking methods. Some of the cooking fires smelled like burning rubber and sure enough they were burning rubber to cook the meals.

The open sewers along the street and the dog shit everywhere, lack of toilets so areas of streets smelled like public Urinals...

But now Klong Toei is flooding too. I read yesterday that Water had started to breach the Klong Toei port.

My greatest fear for the people who live there is the disease and sickness that this will bring. There was a disturbing photograph in the Bangkok Post one morning last week of a local man brushing his teeth in the flood waters.

It's sad to see the political crap that has ensued from these floods. Yes, no, maybe there are better or worse ways to deal with these things.

When Brisbane flooded at the start of the year the Government was criticized for letting water out of the dam and also for not letting water out of the dam sooner; for not having warning systems, for not knowing what would happen.

The PM of Thailand was criticized for the Gumboots she wore when inspecting one flooded area. Sometimes I think politics were created to distract us from the real issues.

The issue here being that millions of people are being adversely affected, that many poor people who didn't have much to start with are going to now have nothing, that these people need help.

The issue is not the brand of the Pm's wellington boots!

Nature is powerful and unpredictable.

Governments are fallible just like the rest of us.

So I did enjoy Bangkok. For the fact that I have never been to such a big city, for it's crazy, madness.

For the consumerist, tourist frenzy of places like Khao San road.

...for the beautiful temples and art

and all that pollution sure does make beautiful sunsets!

The good the bad and the crazy

2011-10-23T01:06:00.000+10:00

I am still enjoying Thailand, it is an amazing place. Even though travelling with four kids and your ex has its challenges.
And I think every bad thing you are warned about when you come to Thailand has happened to me.
I was run into by a motorbike on a footpath in Bangkok (just a bruised arm), ripped off by street sellers in Chang Mai, fell off a motor scooter in Pai (just scrapes and bruises). Had a hair raising drive down the mountain today in the back of a pickup truck and on arrival back in Chang Mai found out that connecting flights I have booked and paid for seem to have disappeared into the ether and then used an ATM to get some cash and it took my card and didn't give it back!!!

So after two hours of trying to find a public phone that would work and numerous phone calls to numerous people I still have yet to find my flights or my credit card...

deep breath...I keep thinking "patience grasshopper".

Getting stressed about all this will not resolve anything, I will persevere tomorrow when everything opens again.

No pics today because mt camera is playing up BUT we just stayed at the most beautiful place yet. A small village called Ban Tham Lot, on the northern border of Thailand and Burma. The village is near a cave system that has some of Thailand's largest caves and many amazing archaeological treasures.

We stayed in an amazing guest house run by an ex-pat Aussie named John Spies. He has lived in the area for 30 years and has some amazing stories to tell about the history of the Golden Triangle and all the trouble on the border. He was the first white man many hill tribes had ever seen and has been there and witnessed the changes roads, electricity and education have brought to the hill tribe people. He is also responsible for the discovery and exploration of many of the caves in the area.

We visited a Karen Village and had a local guide take us into an amazing cave.
Had to crawl through the mud through a tiny opening to get inside a huge chamber that when kilometers back into the mountain.

Yesterday it was Zans birthday and we kayaked through another cave for 200m underground, it was breath taking, and then on down the river over 6km of rapids!

We are all having a great time. Zan is homesick though and is going home early, tomorrow...if I can find the missing connecting flights.
Off to bed now as we have to be up at 5 to get to the airport.

2011-10-13T12:43:00.001+10:00

Love the temple cat at his feet

Rain at the Kings Tomb

Sandbagging Bangkok against the coming floods

Last night in Bangers.

Not very clear but the floods in Auruthaya from the plane on the way to Chang Mai

It is so hot but there is plenty ice cream.

Here we all are; somewhere else.

2011-10-06T16:18:00.001+10:00

Kids observations for the day;
*there are lots of Buddahs here!
*This is the smelliest street I ever walked down in my life.
*They are cooking food on fires burning old rubber tyres!
*Why does the man with one leg want money?
*There are no traffic rules here! The white lines on the road are really inacurate because you can actually squeeze heaps more cars in :/

Meeting Hellena

2011-10-02T18:24:00.000+10:00

When I was a kid I read all the "Anne of Green Gables" books. I loved them at the time, I actually have no idea what I might think of those books as an adult, never having read them again, but one phrase that sticks in my mind from my "Anne" days is Kindred Spirit.
She used this term about people she might meet that would some how have this deep connection with her.
I guess these days you might use "Soul Connection".

I've just met a couple of kindred spirits; Hellena and Currawong. Hellena blogs here at Spunout Post.
I've read her blog for ages and always admired Hellena. Not only for her amazing homespun, crochet/ felted creations and her wearable art, but also for her attitude, her spirit and her presence.

And now here they are, in my life and in my home.

It's strange meeting people from blog-land in real life. Good but strange! You feel like you already know these people, you know bits of their lives, you feel like you already know their kids and so much about them that when you meet you feel a bit overwhelmed.

Wow! I know you but I only just met you five minutes ago.

Meeting Hellena was awesome. We hugged, for a long time, we introduced our hundreds of kids (hehehe...we only have ten between us) and then we talked.

It's funny feeling, reading a blog and feeling so involved in an others life and maybe even commenting on that blog and interacting and THEN getting to speak with that blogs author in real life.

I'm not sure it'd be the same with everyone I might meet from blog-land but with Hellena it feels like meeting a soul sister. And her partner Currawong is everything she raves about him on her blog too.

I've met some people like me, unschoolers, pragmatic, down to Earth, real, totally real people. Honest and fun, crazy (in a good way) and it feels like the start of an awesome life-long friendship...am I gushing too much?

And the wonderful serendipitous thing is that they are looking for somewhere to stay and I am going to Thailand for 5 weeks and need house-sitters!

Currawong and he kids playing Twister.

So finally I am getting excited about Thailand, only three sleeps. But honestly I haven't really got very excited yet, I guess that will happen when I get there. The kids though are very excited. Zan arrived here from his Dad's place yesterday and it is great to have us all together again, and they are all talking nothing but Thailand!

Lucky for us (our Thai unschooling lessons never really got off the ground!) Zan has this awesome App on his Ipod that translate English to Thai. The swearing section has kept us all amused today :)

Family and Fairy Gardens

2011-09-23T11:27:00.002+10:00

On Wednesday I drove with the kids up to the Lamington Plateau. It is a magical place. When I go there I feel like I have come home.

I was a bit resistant to going there, making all my usual excuses. It’s a long drive, I should be doing other stuff (including sitting around feeling sorry for myself.) But I went.

It was a beautiful drive up there; through some country I haven’t been past for 15 years. We stopped at the Natural Bridge on the way. On a whim! And whims are rare for me the last few years. Usually I am so caught up in the crap I’m supposed to be doing that I talk myself out of doing anything spontaneous.

It is an amazing place; a huge cave that was formed by the Mt Warning volcano, millions of years ago, with a stream that pours through a hole in the roof of the cave. It is surrounded by the Rainforest.

When we arrived at the guest house where my parents were staying, I felt nothing but love for and from my family.

The kids and I drove further up the mountain to O’Reillys. We went on the Tree Top walk. A suspended bridge rises up into the canopy of trees. Then you reach a platform and there are ladders so you can climb even higher, right to the top of the trees. Mr T (being a natural monkey) climbed straight to the top, closely followed by Rain while Dad and Tui and I waited on the platform.

Then we went to one of my most favourite places in the world. In the middle of the Rainforest is a small botanic garden.

All the Azaleas were in flower, it was so beautiful. I remembered the first time I went there. I thought it was a fairy garden. I knew that I would create a beautiful garden like it one day. My ambition for that still hasn’t changed.

We walked up the pathways with Tui leading us, through the small path that leads through “Dingle Dell”; the kids hiding and finding and Dad and I looking at plants and birds.

We worked out that it was thirty years ago that we first came here.

It was magical walking through the forest with Dad. He asked the kids to stop and listen for birds, how many could they hear? Same as he used to when I was a child. The best times I have spent with my father are in Forests like this one.

It started a cascade of memories of all the great times and wonderful things my parents have taught me; about plants and birds, about fairness and love, a million things.

It opened my heart up in so many ways. I got thinking about perspective, and about how I have been concentrating on the negatives in my life so fiercely. How self-reflection and self-analysis are great but only when they are combined with self-nurturing and healing. Otherwise all that analysis becomes what you think of yourself, who you are, instead of just a little piece of what helped shape you.; it becomes shame and guilt and bitterness.

It was so healing going to my favourite place. I feel so grateful and so in love with my life.

Spring makes me happy.

2011-09-19T12:50:00.002+10:00

It has been beautiful, glorious Spring weather this last week. There is the smell of Spring in the air. There is Jasmine in bloom outside my back door and the scent wafts in and fills the house with the smell of Spring. Every thing about this time of year just makes me feel so much happier.

We had an great busy week this week. As well as finishing the spare room we also found the time to do some cooking. Rain made baclava, yum!

We painted our hands and feet with henna. Tui also painted her belly and her arms and legs!

Had a visit from my sister-in-law and my very cute nephew.

And spent a lovely morning at the beach at Byron Bay.

Room for rent

2011-09-18T17:15:00.002+10:00

I spent most of the last two weeks getting our spare room fixed up so I can rent it out.

It was a real mess. Filled with rubbish, leaks in the roof,

holes in the floor and walls.

But a bit of cleaning and some re-roofing, with Peaces help, some floor patching and a lick of paint.

It is looking much better!

Now hopefully I can find a tenant before I go away. And someone to house sit.

All things Thai

2011-09-11T22:01:00.001+10:00

We are going on a holiday!
When we sold our farm Peace and I decided we wanted to use some of the money to take the kids overseas. For years we've been struggling, paying a mortgage and whenever the kids asked if they could go on an aeroplane we would always say "oneday".

Well, that day is about to come! Instead of putting it off for ages and planning we just decide to do it now.
Passports are all organised. Tickets are booked. And we are going to Thailand for a month.
Ok, I am just as excited as the kids! I never travelled outside the country as an adult. It's kind of scary though as a first time traveller with four kids in tow.

The kids are pouring over the atlas and the Lonely Planet books. I think we have every book out of the local library about Thailand. Rain is already teaching us about the customs and religion in Thailand. Mr T is imagining allsorts of adventures and Tui just wants to go to the beach!!! Which is hilarious because that is what she wants to do everyday here. She wakes up and says "We go to the beach today Mummy???"
So I guess her wish will come true :) Except this will be a Thai beach (picture mummy lying on the sand drinking cocktails and having many Thai massages!)

So I have three weeks to get organised. Not alot to do or pack for the trip but before we go I want to rent out my spare room. The rent here is killing me and it would be great to have someone in the house while I am away.

Yesterday when he came to pick up the kids Peace helped me fix the roof of the spare room. It is a little room detached from the house with its own little veranda. The roof was a bit leaky. We found lots of roofing iron lying around in the bush (as you do in most country properties in Australia...it's like having old holden wrecks in the yard.) extended the over-hang so water won't run in under the eves, patched the areas with holes and put on heaps of silicone! It should be water tight now!

Today while I had no kids, I painted the walls and layed carpet. It looks great. Well, to be honest, it still looks like a crappy room but it looks a damn sight better than what it did!
It amazes me what people rent around here and the prices of those rentals.

Peace and I have lived in some dodgey lodgings before. But we lived in them by choice. We chose to live with no electricity or bathroom, we chose to live simply, and the rent accordingly was cheap. $50/week, $25/week. Around here similar accomodation is over $250/week!!!

Rentals are scarce around here. It is a popular area but it seems to me wrong that people charge so much rent. Most of these dodgey dwelling are on land that the landlord owns. They have no mortgage, pay no upkeep on the houses (because most of them are termite infested hovels) and most are unapproved dwellings! No, I don't wish the council would come in and tear these houses down, I don't want to dob in all these people collecting rent and not declaring it as income (alot of these places the owners don't want you to collect rent assistance because they are not declaring rent as income) but I think these "hippies" should re-think their values!

So anyway, I'm renting out the room and hopefully it happens in the next couple of weeks.

Also looking forward to a visit from my sister-in-law and nephew next weekend and exciting days planning our holiday.
It's nice to have a plan and something to look forward to.

Frills and bows

2011-09-06T10:36:00.002+10:00

Another frilly girly skirt :)

Let it rain

2011-08-27T17:43:00.002+10:00

It's been raining all week and I now have a tank of water! Oh I love the rain.
I love that when it rains it's a great excuse to do crafty/ inside things. The kids have been construcing cubbie houses in the lounge room, doing heaps of reading and snuggling by the fire and watching DVD's.
We have been busy too. Monday we went to a homeschoolers French class.Tuesday was Rain's birthday.
Thursday night we went to see the Circus Out of Africa. Amazing acrobatics!
Yesterday Rain and Mr T went to a homeschooling group craft meet up and did some papier mache.

I've been crocheting some baby longies, they are not quite finished yet but I have been sewing a bit this week. I wanted to make a pattern for a frilly, girly, floaty kind of skirt, it worked and I love this new skirt I made myself.

Going to make some more like it :)

Pixie dust and chocolate sprinkles

Ariad

A tissue, a Tissu

2011-08-24T17:34:00.000+10:00

Yesterday it was Rain's birthday. We went out to lunch in Byron Bay.

I can't believe how quickly twelve years have passed and how big my beautiful daughter is now.

Eleven years ago, on her first birthday all she wanted was a box of tissues. She sat there and pulled every tissue out of the box and amused herself for ages.

This year she wanted a Tissu. Aerial silk, or ribbons are her favourite par of circus classes. o after researching the types of fabric I bought her the material, and Peace being an abseiler/ rockclimbing instructor bought all the safety rigging.

Sharing My Dreams

2011-08-22T18:23:00.000+10:00

One of the hardest things about separating from Peace has been feeling that so many of my dreams have died along with the relationship.That they are no longer possible. We had so many shared dreams,so many plans for the future. So much we wanted to do together and with our children.

I have felt so empty and lost. These dreams were my direction in life, things I'd been planning for years, goals I had partly achieved. And now I feel that it is not possible to achieve them on my own.

There was the plan we'd been talking about for ages to take the kids on an adventure. We wanted to canoe up the North Coast of Queensland, near the Daintree Rain forest, camping in the wilderness.

Yes, technically,I probably could do this on my own with the kids,but it would not be the same. It would require a lot more work on my part, it wouldn't be as enjoyable or safe as doing it with another person; someone you trust, someone you know has the skills and knowledge to make it work.

It is like my dream of buying land and building a solar-passive, Eco, straw-bale house. Peace and I have been planning this for 13 years. We dreamed of buying land in Northern New South Wales, building our house, growing food, making amazing gardens, creating an adventure playground for grown-ups.

We wanted to make a place where people could come to learn and rejuvenate. Where we could share our skills in abseiling, rock climbing, massage, healing, permaculture, edible weeds and bush tucker.In bush craft and building and gardening.
A place where families could come to re-connect with each other.
A place where people could visit our home and see that living in an Eco-friendly house does not mean living in a mud covered hippy shack but in a beautiful home with all the modern comforts. And that it can all be created on a budget and by yourself if you choose.

And yes, it is probably technically possible for me to learn the skills I need and do all this on my own it would feel like something is missing without Peace.
The most enjoyable times I have spent with Peace are when we were building or in the gardens. When we are talking about plants, how much a tree has grown, looking at a spider web with the morning dew sparkling on it, when we garden together without even needing to speak but both knowing what we need to do. I find it hard to imagine myself building without being able to discus the construction of the window frames or the recipe for the render with Peace. Or the laughter and companionship.

Lately we have been talking and have come to the conclusion that maybe we can still do these things together. We can buy land and create all this and co-habit on the land in separate dwellings. We can both be accessible to the kids all the time. We can still share the dreams.

And now I am sharing the dream with all of you. I'm putting it out to the Universe and hoping it will happen.

We would love another family or two to share our land; people with similar ideas and dreams, to create a community. Maybe this will all happen one day.

This week

2011-08-21T20:53:00.000+10:00

We went to a homeschooling group at the Crystal Castle. The Gyuto monks were there preparing the stupa they will build.
The homeschooling kids all made webs-of-life. Little eight webbed, hanging decorations that symbolise the eight noble truths.
My parents came to visit. It was a lovely visit. For once instead of being re-active I decided to believe that everything everyone does is coming from a place of love. And it usually is.

No photos again because my cute little photographer dropped my new camera. I only had it for two months. I am a bit disappointed. The first new camera I ever owned. And I don't think it will be covered by the warranty because it wasn't a technical fault but it was dropped. Oh, well, I'll save up for another.

Been feeling up and down this week. Had some really good positive moments, but even during them I am wondering if this feeling is going to stay or if it is just a moment, you know? Doesn't feel like happiness, just like a little ray of sunshine poking through the clouds for a second. And you know the weather is going to change. Like those moments of sunshine are a tease really because you know they are going to disappear. It's funny, I used to be so much closer to all the stuff that hurt me and I could push it back easier. I used to be happy and positive amidst all the stuff in my head but now, years have passed but I am stuck here in the middle of it and can't seem to get away.

I haven't got the kids tonight. Totally kid free. I guess I should be happy about that but instead I am lonely. There are a thousand things I want to do by myself. But once a week when I have no kids for one night I am usually so exhausted that I sit here and have a few wines and don't do anything at all. And I know there is value in doing nothing at all occasionally, but I WANT TO DO SOMETHING! I am so bored being by myself. I have so craved me time but now I have nothing to do with it.

When I was with Peace I hungered for some free time to crochet or to sew or to have an hour to relax and have a bath or read a book. To write, to plan plans, to just be; but having a whole 24 hours is a bit strange.

I actually like being busy. I just wanted occasional time out.
I wanted time to do things, not time to sit doing nothing.
Even when I was with Peace, I just felt so isolated. I home school my kids, stay at home gardening and home making and see no one for weeks on end.

I think I spend too much time on my own, stewing over past experiences, thinking about things, thinking about how I could be a better person. How I could change.
I know it's not good to avoid tinking about things, b honestly for me I think I think too much and need to be more active and stimulated.
What I need and have always needed is to have a life. A social life. Friends~!

I haven't made friends for years. I have socialized with Peaces friends.
Most of the mothers I have met through my kids are so different from me. They put their kids in school or smack their kids or look at me weird because I breast feed my 3 year olds. I don't want to be apologising for my choices all the time. Yeah, I know I don't have to apologise but when you are looking after your kids all day, and your partner all night, you don't have much time for self-esteem, for building yourself up to be strong about your opinion.

I have realised that it's hard to make friends without friends. No one to introduce you to anyone, no one to ask you to go somewhere or do something. I meet other parents and they seem to want to talk about how great it is when their kids go to school each day. They want to talk about their careers, they want to talk about their lives, and I feel like I have nothing to say. I like that my kids are home, I don't have a career, I don't have friends or ever do anything...

It's such a self-perpetuating spiral, I can see that. I can see all my problems so clearly, I get where my beliefs come from...it's just hard to know where to start to change.

If I had a friend who believed in me, who encouraged me to do what I was good at...it would help.
But to make a friend I need to get out... to get out, I need to know where to go... to know where to go, I need friends...

BUGGER!

And I understand the whole thought pattern changes I need to be doing to start a positive cycle BUT I feel so fucking alone.

So this week has been a mixture of thigs. Kids are doing fne me not so at times.
I am feeling so great sometimes but so so lonely at others. I wish I had someone to share my dreams with.

Love and squishes to all my Internet friends.

A Brand New Day

2011-08-15T12:45:00.000+10:00

I think I've finally found the energy or the drive or whatever it is to move on.
I woke up this morning and just thought "Stuff this! I am so sick of being sad. I'm just going to get over this."
Maybe it'll work maybe it won't but I have had enough of my self-centered, me-focused depression.
Time to look at my kids and make their lives great through making mine better.
All those people who hurt me are now left to deal with their own shit.
I wash my hands of you.
You have no power over me anymore.

Self help

2011-08-14T05:11:00.000+10:00

I am trying to help myself. Trying all the usual advice to help with depression. I am trying to eat well and exercise.
Exercise is hard for me. Being single with three kids means I rarely get time to myself and when I do I am often so exhausted that I just want to lie down and read a book or nap. I have been advised by lots of people to go for a brisk walk everyday. Because Tui is only three it is hard to go out for a walk by myself. I can't leave her in the care of her older sister and brother. It is not because they are not capable of looking after her for half an hour but that she is an attached child (and I love that) but it means she wants to be with me most of the time.

I can take the kids for a walk with me but often this defeats the purpose of the exercise I am trying to do. Anyone that has walked with small children will know that the pace of the walk is hardly brisk. We stop at every tree or interesting stone, or to back track and look at a flower.
Sometimes the kids decide to argue while we walk, or whinge that they have had enough and want to go home. It kind of defeats the purpose of it being relaxing and stress-relieving!
Tui is only little and often wants to be carried, which is just not good for my back, carrying her now she is bigger. If I carry her for more than ten minutes I end up with a sore back later in the day.

Now I am not whinging. I am just being realistic here. It is easy to say "Go for a walk for half an hour everyday." but in reality for some mothers it is almost impossible to do this.

I have been managing to do a bit of stretching at home with the kids. OK until one of them decides that the yoga position you are trying to do would make a great horsey ride and they jump on you with no warning!!!

Another big thing on my list of to do's, to make me feel better is study.
I love using my brain! I enrolled this week in a Postnatal Doula course. It is an online course and so far I am loving it.
Being a Postnatal Doula is so close to my heart. I think I have been suffering PND since the birth of Tui. And alot of my feelings of inadequacy, not coping, depression could have been alleviated or even avoided altogether with adequate postnatal support.
I am so excited by the prospect of providing this support for other mothers and families.
I love being able to study online. It's easy to fit in around the kids, I can do it when I can find the time. Great way to pass time when I have insomnia.
BUT...
I have had a technical glitch, my course disappeared off my computer a couple of days ago! I had downloaded it, started the first module and then it vanished into some cyber worm-hole. Hopefully the course technical staff will get back to me soon and I can re-download the course.

Talking about glitches, I've been having so many glitches with my new house. It seems like nothing wants to work. I moved in here exactly one month ago. In the first week I had no electricity for two days...no electricity means no water because of the electric pump. The second week I ran out of gas. The gas is used to heat water and for cooking. Even though I had payed for two full gas cylinders when I moved in! The landlord refused to pay for the gas. Saying I must have used it all. Everyone else I have talked to said there equivalent size gas bottles last at least two months!

Third week here the water tank runs out of water! It takes me three days to find a water cartage company who will deliver water up the hill where I live. When he finally gets here, he realises his hose has broken on the way. Some of the water has leaked out. More leaks out as he is fixing it. He still charges me the full price. Landlord will not contribute to the cost of water. even though there is meant to be enough water when you move into a rental premise. And every single tap in the house leaks!

I get water but the hot water cylinder is not heating, it takes me all day to work out how to fix it and then have a long awaited shower! Also this week two days without power due to scheduled line maintenance!

So yesterday I ran out of water again!!! The tank must obviously have a leak in it. I doubt the landlord will do anything about it. He doesn't seem the type.
I wouldn't mind all this so much if this place was cheap. But I decided to move into a house at the very top end of my budget hoping for a little bit of luxury for awhile, so that I could take it easy and try to deal with everything that has happened over the last year. But instead, I am paying more than I can really afford to live in very hard circumstances.
I can't afford to buy water again. So I'm going to town everyday to fill up my two 20litre water drums. Just enough water to drink and wash the dishes and flush the toilet. And now I'm praying for rain.

I just wish things could be easy for awhile.
I'm trying to cope here. Trying to actively do things to make myself feel better but sometimes it feels like the universe is laughing at me. Making fun of my efforts.

Space and relationships

2011-08-11T15:26:00.000+10:00

I wanted to share this wonderful Post from one of my favourite bloggers, Hellena Post - Creatrix.
Every good relationship needs lots of time for personal space doesn't it?

In her beautiful way she has written about her relationship with her partner. There was a lot I relate to in this post. I've never met Hellena in person but through reading her blog I feel like I have met a kindred spirit.

She talks about how there is a common belief that people need space in relationships but how her experience of her relationship is different. I loved reading every word.

I've never been one to follow rules. And the expected rules of how a relationship should run has always baffled me.
-first we must date
-then we can call ourselves partners
-then we can commit to each other
-but always maintaining our own personal space to do our own things and be our own people

I've always believed in love at first sight, I've always believed in following my heart when it comes to relationships. If I want to spend every moment with my lover because I believe I have found my soul mate, because I enjoy their company, because I am so in love that I want to immerse myself in our mutual love then I will. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I love this quote from her post...

If attitudes sent towards Currawong and I show a collective attitude towards closeness in relationships, maybe folk are too scared of being consumed by someone else and becoming ‘co-dependant’ (which incidentally is a totally inappropriate term to apply to close relationships, as the term was originally coined to describe the partners of drug addicts who helped their partners to get their fix) to really experience great love.

Anyway I can't do justice to what she has written by giving my opinions here. Go read the article...
:)

A long and winding road

2011-08-10T18:47:00.000+10:00

I feel this process of healing and changing my reactions and behaviour is going to be a very long road, with many hill climbs.

My heart felt appreciation and thanks goes out to everyone who commented on my last post.
Your words of compassion and encouragement have really made a difference.

I am still in a very sad and scary place but when things have started to become unbearable I have opened this post and re-read your words over and over.
Knowing I am not alone in suffering and in healing, feeling all your prayers showering down upon me, has felt at times like being surrounded by a soft cotton wool blanket. Like I am encased in your love and compassion.
It has made me see that the world does have a certain measure of goodness.

This week I went to my first therapy session. I really had to push myself to get out of the house and actually go. Making the appointment was not easy but getting there was very hard work.
I was over come by my negative thoughts; "what is the point, I will never get better?", "The therapist will think I am more crazy than anyone else she has ever talked to."

In the end I called Peace. I asked him to come over in the morning and take me to therapy, because I knew that on my own I would think of an excuse not to go. I felt weak asking him to do this but I guess there is strength in knowing when you need help? That is what I am trying to believe anyway.

The wonderful Peace, my ex-partner, but still my best friend, has been baby-sitting me for the last few days. Ringing me to make sure I am OK, dropping in and looking after the kids. He has put all the problems between the two of us aside because he knows that right now I need help. I wonder why it has taken this though? Why did I have to get so damn low before we put the problems aside??? Even just temporarily, for a breath of air?

I am trying to rest right now, something I haven't let myself do for years. Man! It is so hard not to rush around organising things. I think this has been my way of coping for so long; staying busy to distract myself from negative thoughts that now I find it hard to be still.

I am trying to eat better (heck, I am trying to remember to eat at all)

I am trying to be with the feelings that come up instead of running and hiding from them or blocking them out.
I am crying alot.

I am trying to look into the faces of my children, at the sunrise and sunset, at the trees and the stars and remember what love and joy and happiness feel like.

But this is a long road.

Trying to be honest and brave

2011-08-07T15:40:00.002+10:00

I twice published this post and removed it. Why? Because even though I want to say these things I am worried what people will think of me. I really do want to get this off my chest. I am trying to be brave.

I hope nothing I write offends anyone. If it does I am sorry. But this is my truth. And I need to start to heal. I need to do it now.

Warning this is a post full of despair and sadness.
And I know that in my original blog statement I was only going to talk about gardening, home schooling, natural parenting and such, but right now I need to talk about me.
I am weary of hiding my past and my feelings.

Does anyone else remember when they were a kid and getting that feeling of huge, heart stopping disappointment? Maybe it was at Christmas time, when you'd been wishing with all your might for a new Barbie doll house, when you'd been a 'good' girl for weeks and weeks on end, you'd made sure to write your wishes clearly on half a dozen Xmas wish lists...and you wake up Xmas morning and you got some new socks and a pencil case to use for the up-coming school year? Maybe it was some other disappointment, like when you realised your ‘group’ of friends had all gone to the movies without you on Friday night.

That's a part of how I'm feeling right now. But a disappointment so much bigger, so much deeper. This isn't the life I wanted.

That disappointment when you were upset and all you wanted was for your mum to hug you and say she understood instead of saying "oh, it's not that bad, just get over it", with no hug at all...

Do you remember that feeling of betrayal when you were lying on your bed getting smacked for something you didn't do, or something that really didn't deserve physical punishment?

Did you ever experience the guilt of being molested? A crippling feeling, because it is mixed with love for your family and trust and being loyal; a feeling that eats and eats and eats away at you, until the only way to stop it is to pretend it didn't happen.

Did you ever hear your little sister say she was molested too? The guilt you felt that because you didn’t realize it was happening to her too. You didn’t protect her. That after all these years you could admit it did happen and you felt really angry about it.
Then you tell your parents and listen to their unbelieving reaction of,”Oh?"
And that is it…….. never spoken about again.
And then your sister never speaks of it again either...makes you feel like a liar?

Have you ever experienced the horrible feeling of being raped? I hope you never do.
The gut wrenching, soul destroying, most dis-empowering feeling you could ever feel? Being held down, slapped in the face, and laughed at by his friends?

There are probably not many people who read my blog who have personally experienced the feeling of totally giving up; that feeling that life is really not worth trying for anymore; you feel that before you OD on drugs. And then are saved and feel really angry about being alive.

I hope no one else has experienced the feeling of self-loathing, despair and hatred that you get when you work as a hooker. That feeling is one of the worst ever. You feel like the lowest of the low.

When I was pregnant with my first son I had a real wake up. I suddenly knew that inside me there was a little being that would love me and rely on me.
I wanted to do the best for my baby; I wanted to be the best mother for him that I possibly could.
I gave up drugs, tried counselling (but money was a limiting factor). I read what self-help books I could find in the library.
I ignored all the parenting books. I thought that my indicator about parenting would be “does this feel right, is this how I wish someone had treated me as a child?”

I planned and plotted and decided that I would raise my son in the country, on an organic farm. I dreamed about it every night, I day dreamed about it constantly. I imagined the mud brick house, the chooks, and the veggie garden. I guess I was obsessed. I thought, read, and planned it every day.

Man, it took years of struggle to get there. But finally I did.

BUT by then I had three kids I wanted to raise well and soon after another on the way.

I thought I dealt with most of my emotional past as best I could.
As best I could? Ha!
What resources are there really out there for a mother living on welfare? I read books from the library, I tried to meditate but having four kids doesn’t leave you much time for yourself. Even if you didn’t have all this to deal with I know it’s hard to be a mum.

And lately these feelings have been backing up on me again. Like a blocked sewerage, but it’s not so easy to just call the plumber and let him deal with it.
I think I’ve let too much stuff build up. With no me time, with no support, with no family willing to help in useful ways. (Hey let’s buy the little baby a toy…no mention of looking after the babies mother).

Well, tonight I am feeling all that. I feel the punch in the face from my ex-lover all those years ago, I feel the heart stopping moment when I was shooting up heroine and my vein burst and I thought I was going to die.
I feel the pain of being so disconnected that I didn't even know the man I'm fucking has only one arm.
I feel the knee in the guts from my boyfriend.

I feel the ache of being a woman, a second class citizen.

I feel the loss of community that, I never had anyway.
I feel the cold in my bones for all the people sleeping on the streets tonight. (Thank God that was something I only ever did a dozen or so times).
I feel the rejection, the dis-empowerment so keenly.

I haven't 'worked' on my self enough obviously.
I haven't got over all my shit, I am carrying too much baggage...and fuck it is a heavy load.

Sometimes I feel it is just too heavy and I can bare it no longer.

I hear the angry voices of teachers as they tell me I am dumb, I hear the screaming of the crazy lady in the psyche ward as she is telling me I am her daughter Beatrice and I betrayed her. I hear the grunting of prostitutes, the whimpering of junkies, I hear the screaming of the siren; come to pick up another OD’ed mate, I hear the screaming of the police siren, busting houses, busting arse, taking my friends.

I hear my mum and dad arguing, always arguing.
I hear the whispered sleazy voices saying,”don’t tell anyone!”
I hear so much yelling and fighting and name calling.
I want it all to stop!

I hear me and Char sitting in the bell tower of the church singing. A religion I never got, but for that one moment I was totally overjoyed to sing any song of praise.
I’d never had praising or singing in my life. When the Born again Christians next door ever sang Dad got angry.

And now how do I feel?

I have only ever loved two people. It is strange that I must love them both at the same time.
But not so strange considering my life.
People I trust, who care about me, people I respect and can hear me.

But because of my own self-hatred I have turned both those people away.
Because I don’t feel like I deserve to be loved; I act unlovable.

If I could choose how to feel right now I would choose not to feel.
Even though there is love out there, so strong and embracing, it is just too much.

I feel a cascade, a wave, no a tsunami of emotions that threatens to drown me.

Why do you have no hair?

2011-08-04T15:56:00.002+10:00

People often ask me why I have a shaved head. To be truthful, I have had short hair for so long now that it always surprises me when people ask.

I am used to children commenting about my hair cut. I love that they are so innocent of etiquette that they say things out loud. And it's often a bit amusing to see their parents shushing them and getting all embarrassed. I really don't mind when kids say innocent stuff and don't use their "manners"; as you can probably tell from my parenting style, it really doesn't bother me :)

Usually children say "Mum, why does that lady have no hair?"

But once I heard child ask, "Mum, why is that man wearing a dress?" lol

I guess that particular child had never seen a woman with short hair...

I first shaved my head when I was 20 years old. I'm now 39 so for nearly half my life I've had this hair style!

I'd had long hair my whole life til then.

One reason I never had short hair as a child was because I did ballet. Yes, I know that these days you can do ballet with a short hair cut but I did have a rather old fashioned ballet teacher. Every student had to have their hair tied in a bun. Not just for performances but even for lessons she was really strict about having any loose hairs 'flying around'!

Girls that had fringes had to pin and spray them back. Girls who were so rude as to actually cut their hair short were required to buy hair pieces and spend hours pre-class doing their hair.

I can remember my motivation for cutting my hair when I was twenty.

I wanted to have a new start in my life.

I was absolutely sick and tired of being pretty and girly. I was the typical fit, blonde, tanned beach girl and I didn't want to be treated like that anymore...either by males or females.

I wanted to do something radical. I was so tired of conforming my whole life. As a kid I totally brought into the lie that if you are polite, if you do well at school, if you excel at sports, if you are nice to people then everyone will like you and you will succeed in life.

I think I was very naive. Of course I was! I was a kid, but I also think that my personality and circumstances dictated that naivety.

I was under no illusion that changing my hairstyle would change my life but I also knew that it would change how other people viewed me.

Now I am just so used to it. It is such an easy hair style to maintain! Once a month I pull out the clippers and that is it. No washing or brushing or trimming or bad hair days!

I sometimes get asked if I am a Buddhist. Well my religious beliefs do include Buddhism but this is not the reason for my hair cut.

I have thought about growing my hair someday but I can't really imagine doing it soon.

Happy Flags :-)

2011-08-02T06:59:00.000+10:00

I finished crocheting my happy flags!

They do look so bright and happy hanging over the entrance to my home :-)

Eating locally

2011-07-31T10:47:00.000+10:00

I love the idea of eating food that is grown and produced in the local area. Whenever I can I try to buy local produce. When money is prohibitive though it is often cheaper to buy imported food. Although I do understand the economics that causes this there is part of me that doesn't get it.
How can food that's grown organically, just down the road from me, cost more than food that is grown using expensive chemical fertilizers and transported halfway around the world?

I guess the easiest way for me to eat local produce is to grow my own food and make my own products right here. I am working on getting a veggie garden going. The soil here is very rocky and dry. (I am living on top of a ridge) So I am going to try growing in containers. I have an old bath tub that I am filling with compost. When it is almost full I will add some mushroom compost and some manure and start my garden.

Wandering around my new garden I have found some edible plants. So I can already begin eating locally! This oregano was hiding under some weeds.

There are a few edible weeds around to provide greens, nasturtium flowers and leaves, dandelion, dock, sorrel and chickweed.

Also a paw paw tree (papaya)

It is a hermaphrodite tree. It has both the male flowers and female. So it is self-fertile and sets fruit.The fruit on hermaphrodite trees is never as sweet as the fruit on female trees but they are great to cook with when they are still green.

With Tui's help I made some green paw paw chutney.

Mr loves it and has already eaten half the first jar!

I've also been baking bread. I use a slow rise fermented dough recipe. For this first batch I used 1/3 spelt flour, 1/3 buckwheat flour and 1/3 organic wheat flour.

It has a lot less gluten than just using wheat flour and because the dough is fermented the gluten is partly pre-digested so it is easier for me to digest :-)

It turned out very yummy! And went really well with the chutney.

Blessed and blissed

2011-07-25T17:31:00.002+10:00

I'm feeling blissed and blessed.

Our new house is lovely. The unpacking is coming along slowly but surely.

I have been loving lighting the fire and spending cosy nights crocheting and talking to friends beside it.

My happy flags are coming along nicely. I think by the time I've finished unpacking I'll be hanging them up.

I received the most amazing house warming gift in the mail. A beautiful soul named Lars, whom I met at a Rainbow gathering sent me this amazing Candelabra. It's has a lovely family story behind it which makes it so much more special. The kids were also most grateful for the treats included in the parcel. Tui loves her little doggie; she carries it every where, and they made short work of the lollies!!!

Where there is unpacking there are many boxes.

So of course a Mansion had to be built in the lounge room.

I love how the kids co-operate when they are doing something fun together.

And Rain and I are both loving the spacious kitchen. We've been cooking and baking everyday.

Rain made some raw ice cream yesterday (she even made a small lactose-free batch for me, with coconut cream instead of regular cream.) It went perfectly with the banana and chocolate cake she baked!

I've just said goodbye to my first house guests. Friends fresh home from India have been staying and been the best guests ever!

Every night we've been cooking up a storm in the kitchen. They left me with a load of fire wood they collected, clean gutters and many happy memories. They played with my kids, helped me out, gave me space, shared many lovely and inspiring tales of their adventures and shared 1000 cups of chai.

Man! you guys should just move in!!!

And I've been spending lots of time with majikfaerie. What could be more blissful than that?

Real Friends

2011-07-22T07:23:00.000+10:00

I have been thinking about how some people distinguish between "real" friends and "online" friends. I guess it could be because the internet is a relativly new part of our lives and for alot of us, if we've been spending what we feel is too much time on-line, we feel the need to retreat to "real" life. So we create the distinction between "real" and "virtual".
The thing is that the people we are friends with on-line are very much real people. They also can be very good friends. Although we may never meet with them personally they are in our day to day lives and in our thoughts. The community and support and love we give each other is as valuable as any "real" friendship.

So I just wanted to say thank you to all my real internet friends. I love and value you all.

New friends

2011-07-18T09:56:00.001+10:00

We already found some new friends at our new house.

this beautiful carpet python

and this wierd gaint stripey worm.

Now we need to make some human friends :-)

A new home.

2011-07-13T07:51:00.001+10:00

After three months of house hunting we have finally found somewhere to live.

I had started to feel like we would never find anywhere and had given up on finding somewhere nice.

But we found somewhere nice!

It has everything I was originally looking for.

It is only twenty minutes from town. And five minutes down the road to where Peace lives.

It has a fire place and a bath tub!!!

A lovely huge kitchen!

The house is total chaos right now. The kids are having so much fun unpacking stuff that has been in storage for months. It's like Christmas. Mr T is so excited to have his own bedroom at last. Tui is most excited about the bath. She wants a bubble bath at least twice a day.

But I think the best thing would have to be the view.

I am way up in the hills, surrounded by national parks, and looking down this valley to the coast I can see the Light house at Byron Bay.

Circus Show

2011-07-07T19:46:00.001+10:00

The kids had there first circus performance last weekend.

All of the performances were really good.

Can't wait til the next show!

Self-sufficiency

2011-07-02T14:08:00.000+10:00

Yesterday morning, as soon as she woke up Tui announced that she wanted pancakes for breakfast.

I asked her to wait a little bit and then I would make them for her.

I was outside and could hear her clanging around in the kitchen. So I peeked inside.

She had pushed a chair up to the bench and gotten out the flour and eggs. A cup and a spoon.

I thanked her for getting all the things ready to make pancakes and said I would be in shortly.

I continued doing what I was doing.

When I went inside she had mixed flour and water and an egg in her cup!

She put the fry pan on the gas cooker.

She put some butter on the fry pan,

Then looked at me and said,

"you cook pancakes now?"

I love how my kids aren't afraid to help themselves because I don't try to stop them from doing things that push their abilities.

I cooked the pancakes. In her little cup she'd made just enough mixture for four small pancakes, two each, she announced. She's only just turned three and can count and divide quite naturally without being taught.

I love unschooling!

Getting crafty

2011-06-26T18:49:00.000+10:00

I've been wallowing a bit lately. I guess you do that when you face change, there is always a quite period before you find the energy to pick things up and move on. Well, I'm not quiet at the moving on stage yet but I am trying to treat myself nicely and do things that make me happy.

Today the kids went to Peaces house for the night. Tui only goes for one night every two weeks because she is still breast feeding and even though she misses her Dad she misses her boobies more!

And for the first time that I've had time to myself, it was actually a sunny day. And Sun = Solar Power. So I had free time and electricity!!!

I've discovered that making things makes me happy.

Today I cut out a few sets of pixie pockets to sew up.

I've partially completed them...let's hope it's sunny again tomorrow!

A couple of weeks ago when I was reading a homeschooling forum, a woman had posted a link to these amazing crochet bunting.

They are just so amazing and bright and colourful I immediately felt happy just looking at them.

So I decided to make my own Happiness Flags. I love how crochet can be meditative, but it is also a great oppurtunity to practise affirmations...instead of counting stitches I repeat, I am happy, I am at peace... so my flags will hopefully be imbued with a million happy thoughts!

Here a my first few.

Let there be light!

2011-06-26T16:35:00.000+10:00

Saturday evening Peace and I took the kids to the Winter Solstice Lantern Carnivale.

We rugged up as it has been soooo cold here.

Some of the lanterns were amazing! Real works of art.

Tui had a good viewing position!

Happy Birthday Tui

2011-06-17T08:01:00.000+10:00

A childs perspective.

2011-06-11T07:35:00.000+10:00

"A person's a person no matter how small."

- Dr Suess

Have you ever noticed that in Dr Suess books for children you never see a whole adult. You never see an adults face only glimpses of arms or legs...

After looking at these family portraits that Tui has taken over the last couple of weeks I now understand why!

"Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them."

-Dr Suess

Happy Birthday Boy

2011-06-09T12:22:00.000+10:00

Yesterday my beautiful boy turned seven. We all went to this maze. It was heaps of fun.

We all got a little lost...

But finally made it to the viewing tower in the middle.

When we got home T spotted this Koala up in the tree beside our house.

Not only did he get this awesome box to play with...

but inside it was a brand new mountain bike!

Mr T declared that it was the best day ever!

Moving right along

2011-06-04T04:52:00.001+10:00

Time to start being grateful and looking at all the positives I do have in my life.

I have an awesome place to stay temporarily...this place is soooo much better than a tent! And there are always interesting people to talk to down at the Rainbow Temple.

I love the new area I have moved to. Everywhere I go I seem to run into old friends and am meeting some amazing new people.

I have a wonderful pile of fabric to sew a new skirt today :)

I have a supportive family.

I have wonderful children.

(And they really enjoyed visiting their cousins the other week. Here are some pics.)

Tui and her youngest cousin, going for a cruise.

Tui cracking up laughing because she'd never been in a stroller before!

Tui, Rain and Little cousy, chiiling in the hammock.

Correction!

2011-06-03T17:43:00.000+10:00

I have been informed that my last post was very one-side and it made Peace appear like an $**#^#**.

Sorry if I gave this impression. But let me point out that my blog is about my life and my thoughts so by its nature it IS one-sided; because it is about me!

It always has been about me. When Peace and I were together he took no part in making this blog; occasionally he would read it.

Maybe I should clarify that I had a part in the break-up of our relationship. I am very well aware that "it takes two..."

And maybe I have also directing bitterness towards Peace.

I in no way intended to make it appear like he is to blame, we both decided we no longer want to live with each other.

BUT my last post was describing the way I have been feeling about it and to me is very accurate.

Rainbow Love Farm

2011-06-01T22:34:00.000+10:00

As you know I am no longer at Rainbow Love Farm.

It has been a tough journey over these last 8 weeks. There have been some ups but mostly downs.
It is hard to move on from a relationship that has been your life for 14 years.
It is hard when you must see the person for the sake of the kids and there is so much bitterness and hatred directed at you and you are trying to get over a whole bunch of hurt.

I miss the days when Peace actually was peaceful
I miss the kids being able to see him most days after work.
I miss having another person to help make/argue about decisions with.

I really miss having a home. I am not enjoying living in a place with no hot water, minimal electricity, no kitchen or bathroom and a shared toilet. I did this years ago and it was ok because it was a choice. I'd still be ok living like this if I owned a block and wasgoing to improve it but to be living this way when you don't want to, to be trying cope with a breakup and everyday life is so tiring is hard :(

I really miss my garden...it was where I felt most at peace.

BUT I keep reminding myself that Rainbow Love Farm is not a place.
It is a state of mind.

The Rainbow lives in my heart...

The LOVE is the whole reason we are here. To give love and to recieve love. (I am working on the later)

And the Farm is how we caretake our mother the Earth.

Bored Games

2011-05-29T20:06:00.001+10:00

During the last school holidays, when friends came to visit, the kids got BORED. (as they are sure to let you know!)

They had played outside...

exhausted the stash of DVD's and electronic games...

and even tried kissing frogs...but to no avail, no princes appreared!

But then they got creative.

And made two bored (oops! I mean board games)

And made these awesomely, cute little characters as playing pieces.

They spent hours making the games and even longer playing them.

I always tell my kids that boredom is the space between doing something and doing something else and that it is a good space. Just go with it and see what happens and very often amazing creativity comes from boredom.

Thankyou for the garden

2011-05-27T15:01:00.000+10:00

Thankyou to the wonderful people who lived in this shack before me.

Thankyou for the beautiful flowers

and for the fresh food.

I hope the people living in my old house are enjoying the gardens we left behind for them as much as I'm enjoying this garden.

Colour and impermanence

2011-05-25T15:05:00.000+10:00

I've really been enjoying spending some one on one time with each of my kids lately. It's seems to happen more often since Peace and I split up.

This morning Tama was with Peace and Rain was happily reading so Tui and I played with some paint.

I had to take some pics because the vibrant colours of the paint were so beautiful. Our paints were limited to red, blue, yellow and white so we mixed some to make more colours.

It was awesome to watch Tuis face as she mixed the paints together and saw new colours appearing. And to hear her exclamations of "Oooh, it's making pink!!!" or orange or green.

Once the paints were suitably mixed we pressed a piece of paper on to the plate to preserve the pattern.

At this stage I relinquished all control (well, I didn't really have any agenda anyway, except to play with paint) and Tui started to really play.

She mixed and smeared and spread, getting her hands and feet into the action.

The paint felt nice and soft and smooth.

After washing her dress Tui then climbed into the tub of warm water and enjoyed a bath in the garden in the winter Sun.

All we were left with from our "Art" was a plate of brown paint with marigold flowers sprinkled over it. Even the piece of paper with the print had become a big brown smudge.

Often after doing art with the kids we have nothing to show for it. It doesn't worry me at all. The point of the exercise is to have fun, not to necessarily create something. Today Tui explored colours and the texture of paint, from which she'll have gained so much more than from a controlled Kindy craft project, made out of pre-cut shapes glued onto paper that is similar to the one every other kid in Kindy has made.

As well as the lesson in colours I think there is a big lesson for kids to learn about impermanence. The Buddhists see the beauty of this. I once watched some monks make a sand mandala that took many, many hours and then it was blown away.

It's a pity that more people don't recognise that the lesson is the learning not the results. The board of studies don't get this when they demand 'evidence' of homeschooling. It is not the paper you save with things that the kids have done that shows what they have learnt and what they know, it is their experience of the world around them. And that kind of knowledge can not be saved on paper.

The most precious gift

2011-05-24T16:59:00.000+10:00

While at the Australian National Rainbow Gathering I got to spend time with my dearest long time friend Charlotte. I met Char way back in the day when I was (supposedly) studying at Melbourne University.

It has been so long since I have spent time with her. So it was awesome to be rainbow neighbours for a few days and to chat over many smokey cups of tea brewed in the billy by the fire. It was amazing to watch our children playing together (who'd've thunk it all those years ago that we'd be watching our kids shoot each with guns that fire rays of love!)

We even managed a couple of child free hours together to chat and hang out and take a day trip to the closest town to the Rainbow, to browse in Op shops and second hand stores. And we even managed to be home by tea-time, no disappearing into Rabbit holes for these responsible grown-ups ;)

In one shop, a veritable wonderland of odds and ends and treasures, Char bought me this wonderful set of tea cups and saucers, they are just soooo damn cute!

When finally my dream Tea Shop becomes a reality I will serve you a fine English high tea from these very cups Char :)

But the most precious gift of all is not the tea set, it is the wonderful gift of friendship you have given me. The years of love and understanding, fun and mischief we have shared.

Thank you

Char blogs over here check out her amazing art, clothing and beautiful words.

♥

Forest Dwelling Pixie Hoodie

2011-05-24T06:23:00.000+10:00

I finished my first sewing project on my new machine just before I left to go to the Rainbow Gathering. It wasfortuitous because my new hoodie was soooo warm and the nights at the gathering were very cold. The new sewing machine works wonderfully (any mistakes were all human error ;)

It was one of those organic sewing projects that grew of its own accord. It started as a vest, turned into a jacket and ended up as a forest dwelling Pixie hoodie.

I made it out of polar fleece (nice and cosy) and decorated it with heaps of hand sewing. The hems are all over locked and then hand blanket stitched. I crocheted some crazy pure wool panels then hand felted them and sewed them around the bottom.

Added a few beads (wooden, hand-made and Jobes tears beads).

Hand stitched a spiral felted design on the back and used faux fur to decorate the hood.

What do you think? Could I run off and live with the pixies?

From Rainbow to Rainbow

2011-05-23T14:54:00.001+10:00

We just got home from the Australian National Rainbow Gathering in Queensland and now we are back at the Rainbow Temple.

We had a beautiful time.

The kids loved this slack rope someone had put up in a tree.

Rain on the rope

Tipi in the morning mist

the family

Full moon face painting

me at full moon, call me moon face!

main circle

and of course...a rainbow

Quote of the week

2011-05-11T22:53:00.002+10:00

"Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country."

Anaïs Nin

A Shiny New Machine

2011-05-06T21:28:00.000+10:00

My excuse was that Mothers Day is coming up so I bought myself a new sewing machine.
It is a brand new sewing machine. I only ever had second hand ones before.

Living in small shack with a dodgey solar power system makes it tricky being able to use the said machine. The power only runs the lights for a couple of hours at night when it's been a sunny day so I can't really waste the power but usually once a day someone turns on the generator so we can all charge our laptops or to use other appliances.

The trick is to have my sewing all ready to go and then I eagerly listen out for the sound of the generator being turned on and can get a bit of sewing done then.

Inspired by the gorgeous creations over here at Etsy, TPF Faerie Wear and Intergalactic Apparel. I made a pattern for a hooded pixie vest.

It is coming along slowly because of the power situation and trying to find time to sew with the three kids needing attention, but it is coming along and I'm pretty happy with it so far. Not that it will be anything as gorgeous as the creations on the above sites!

This is the felt panel I want to sew onto the back of the jacket.

Anyway I'm off to cut out more fabric and eagerly await the sound of the genny!

Off to join the circus

2011-05-05T17:16:00.000+10:00

The kids have all joined the Circus!

Luckily they haven't run off to do it but have started circus classes in a town nearby our new abode.

Rain and Tama had their first classes on Monday and Tui started today.

They are all so excited to finally be able to do Circus.

Rain loves the trapeze and Tissu, Tama loves it all. And Tui had such a great time today.

swinging on the big ropes

Tui tucked inside the Tissu ribbons

swinging from a hula hoop

I didn't get photos of Rain and Tama on Monday but will remember to next week.
Best thing of all they also do adults circus classes. So after a lifetime of threatening to run off and join the circus I finally am.

The single thing

2011-05-01T19:57:00.000+10:00

It's my third week of being a single parent. It's hard.
I love that I don't sit around and have heated discussions every night with my ex but it is so quiet at night.
I love that I can go to bed when I want, read and leave the light on for hours if I want, but I have no one to talk about what I read with.
I love being able to wake in the morning and not have to tell the kids to be quiet ,
I love that I can parent the way I want without every issue creating a need for discussion before I can say anything to the kids.

BUT it is lonely.

It's hard being the one who always drives, the one who always cooks dinner, the one who always deals with the kids issues, the one who fixes things and plays games and changes light bulbs.

But it's really not that different to how I lived before.

Maybe when Peace looks after the kids I may get to experience the quiet that life is without kids...I don't know?

Feeling like home

2011-04-29T18:09:00.000+10:00

Our love shack is starting to feel like home. Peace came over yesterday and brought his ute so we went to the storage shed where all our belongings from our old house are and got a few bits and pieces to make the shack feel like home. We can't get everything out of storage yet, this place is just way too small and the place Peace is moving into is small as well.

The bedroom is looking cosy. Tama has made a cosy play area under the main bed where Tama, Tui and I sleep.

We curtained off a little area for Rain so she has a private room.

Went thrift shopping and bought a bean bag and some cushions to make the verandah into a nice little lounge room.

And perhaps the most homely thing of all is to have the vegie garden. Today we picked radishes, Black Russian Kale, Celery, Celon Spinach, leeks, lettuce and spinach to put into a soup for Dinner.

Beautiful People- Quote of the week

2011-04-28T19:05:00.000+10:00

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. "

Elisabeth Kűbler-Ross

I read this quote the other day and just had to share it. Might have to regularlly start sharing inspirational quotes. I love Elisabeth Kübler Ross, she is one amazing woman.

Love Shack

2011-04-27T20:17:00.023+10:00

We have been lucky to find a little shack to move into next door to the Rainbow Temple. Rental houses seem hard to come by around here so it's good to have somewhere to stay while we are looking around for a bigger house.

the kitchen

It is very basic accomodation. We have solar power to run a couple of lights and a power point. And there is no hot water on tap which means heating water for washing. We have to share a bathroom and toilet but it is private here and came with a ready made vegie garden. And the garden is the main thing I've been missing since leaving the farm.

And it has a roof that keeps the rain out and there seems to be an abundance of rain around here!

long view of a really long and narrow house

These pics are from when the shack was empty. I post some more once I get it looking homely.

the bedroom

The great thing is too that there are four other dwellings here so there are lots of nice neighbours and we are only 50 meters walk from the Rainbow Temple so the kids can still play with the kids staying there and we can all walk down in the evenings to lisien to the music and sit around the fire.

view of the garden out the window

Rain, Tui and Tama sitting on the verandah

Easter Visitors

2011-04-27T07:45:00.000+10:00

We had a few friends come visit us over the Easter holiday. We all had fun hanging out at the Rainbow Temple.

It was great for the kids to catch up with some friends from QLD.

Zan also came and stayed for a couple of days. The other kids were so happy to see their big brother.

More visitors, a couple of girls Rains age came to stay and we all went for a walk to Minion Falls.

It is a spectacualar waterfall.

Back at the Temple I made papier mache lanterns for Easter with all the kids.

On Easter Sunday we put lit our lanterns and all went on a Samhein walk honouring the light.

On whose shoulders do you stand?

2011-04-18T15:44:00.000+10:00

I have met some amazing people while staying at the Rainbow Temple, and had some interesting conversations with so many people. One passing phrase in a conversation really stayed in my mind however.
I was talking with an amazing dancer from Africa and he told me that where he comes from when you ask someone Who are you? the literal translation is On whose shoulders do you stand?

I've been thinking on this for days. I love how it implies family and connection rather than who are you? which implies separation and individuation.
I love how it implies respect for our ancestors.

I don't think I honor my ancestors enough. I complain that my parents did this or didn't do that. Instead of acknowledging that without them I wouldn't even be here. Without what they did, whether I agree with it or not I wouldn't be the person that I am.
I do stand on their shoulders and they on the shoulders of their parents and so on backwards for ever. Just as my children will stand on my shoulders.

And I feel humility realizing that I do stand upon all of these shoulders and that that is who I am.

Mr T with my Dad

Tui and my mum

Rainbow Country

2011-04-12T17:18:00.001+10:00

Our first week away from our old home has been fun. We are staying at the Rainbow Temple near Byron Bay. There are so many lovely people who live here and pass through here all the time. The kids are enjoying meeting all the travellers from around the world.

Our room at the Temple

Rain and Mr T have been hanging around on the trapeze and we've all been practicing devil sticks and pois and fire twirling everyday. And the kids have been learning to speak smatterings of other languages.

There are some wonderful musicians here and I love sitting by the fire in the evening listening to the singing and guitars and drums.

On the weekend we went to The Channon markets. The kids made a really cool candle.

Mr T ran around with awhole heap of other kids.

And Tui had her face painted.

Can't wait til next week :)

The last post

2011-03-29T17:52:00.000+10:00

Well technically this is not the last post I ever write, well I hope so anyway, but it will be the last post from Rainbow Love Farm. Our house sold (again...the first sale fell through) so we are moving on. At the moment we are busy packing and cleaning. And contemplating being homeless next week.
But there was enough sparetime over the weekend to go abseiling with a bunch of friends.

Glow in the dark

2011-03-24T17:20:00.001+10:00

The kids have been busy making stuff this week, we are trying to use up heaps of craft stuff before we move in a couple of weeks. Here's some lovely lanterns Rain and Tui made.

And Mr T made this black box that you put a black-light bulb in at night and everything glows.

Rocky River

2011-03-15T13:37:00.001+10:00

We have just been camping on the Rocky River for a few days. On the way we stopped and met some natural learning families for a play at the beach. One of the Dads made this sand sculpture and an awesome sand castle with the kids.

The home school play went for hours and turned into an impromptu fish and chips dinner at the beach. The kids had so much fun playing and Rain finally met another unschooling girl her own age! And I got to spend some time with the beautiful majikfaerie :)

We then headed west a couple of hours to the site where the Rainbow Corroboree is to be held this coming weekend. It is a beautiful sacred site. We camped right on the banks of the river and went swimming every day.

Mr T found this tree with a perfect hammock ready made from the vines growing in the tree.

I finished another pair of crocheted pants. Tui had to model them for me. Inspired by the corroboree I did this pair in Aboriginal colours.

Here's a pic of crocheting the elastic waist on. Sorry it's not very clear. I use double crochet and crochet around the elastic and through the spaces between the trs in the previous row.

Also had the time to finish a little pair of Rasta coloured pants.

Now we are back home for a while, I'd really love to go back down next weekend for the main corroboree but will ave to see how things turn out.

Love and light

Ariad

So...what do you do?

2011-03-05T23:51:00.000+10:00

Often when people ask me what I do I hang my head and say oh, not much. I just stay at home with my kids.
Well, that's crap!!! I do so much and am so much more than just a housewife. I don't have any 'qualifications' other than my own experience, I have no formal higher education, but I am constantly learning. Next time I am asked I hope I have the courage to speak up and say what I do. And I hope the person asking has the attention span to listen to it all :)

So what DO I do???

I am a writer
I am a crafter
I am an eco-warrior
I am an artist
I am a lover and creator of beauty
I am a musician
I am a healer
I am a dancer
I am loving and kind
I am a gardener
I am an event planner
I am a chef
I am a student
I am a business woman
I am open and loving
I am a nurturer
I am psychic
I am a traveller
I am a spiritual being
I am a mother
I am a meditator
I am a lover
I am a creator and holder of beautiful nurturing spaces
I am a teacher
I am ME.

Crochet pattern for little longies.

2011-03-04T20:45:00.000+10:00

I finally got around to writing a pattern for the crochet longies I have been making.

This pattern is for a size 2 pair, like the ones Tui is modelling above. I love simple things and these pants are simple, they are made in one piece and there is no making up at the end which is always a bonus.

I use 8ply yarn and a 3.5mm crochet hook.

Start by making a chain 86 stitches long. Join the chain length together to form a circle.

Round 1: 3 chain and then 1 tr in every chain, join last tr to 3rd chain of initial 3 chains (being careful that the work is not twisted)

Do another 8 rounds like this.

Increasing

For the next six rounds you increase at the centre front and centre back. So tr for 42 stitches, then 4 tr in next tr. Tr for another 42 and two tr in last stitch.

Where you do the four tr is the center back and the two tr is the centre front.

At this stage the longies look like the above pic. You can see the increases in the centre front.

Joining the legs

Now crochet a round of tr around half the pants, doing one tr which joins the centre front stitch and the centre back stitch and continue around the leg. You can keep working on this leg for as many rounds as you wish or join the other leg at this stage.

Legs joined together.

Then it's just a matter of working more rows of tr to complete each leg.
I do about 22 rounds on each leg for a size two.

Once they are finished darn in the loose ends.
I do two different methods for finishing the waist.
The first is to make a twisted cord from three strands of wool and thread it through every second tr in the second row as a draw cord. You could also crochet a long chain to use.
Other times I crochet a piece of 5mm elastic onto the top of the pants. By making a circle of elastic the right size for the child's waist and over-crocheting it around the top of the pants in double stitches.

Note: I have used Australian terms for crochet.
The equivalent terms in the US is...
Where I say tr...US half tr
" " " double...US single

Rainbow Country

2011-02-25T13:23:00.000+10:00

I have just got back from a couple of days away with the kids. We went down to NSW and stayed just inland from Byron Bay. We spent a couple of nights at the Rainbow Temple, an amazing place built by an amazing man. It is built in the middle of the rain forest and is such a beautiful peaceful place to be.

I love how the trees are growing up through the various buildings.

While we were down there we caught up with some friends and hung out with some other unschooling families.

Feeling very relaxed after a few days away.

A new perspective.

2011-02-19T17:01:00.000+10:00

I have been having troubles with my Internet connection lately. The first one never did get very good reception and I wanted to get a mobile broadband thingummy so when I move I can take the Internet with me.
When I purchased my thingummy at the shop the sales assistant forgot to check whether I could get coverage in my area...so I got it home only to find it would not work.
Luckily I can return it and get my money back but meanwhile, thanks to Zan, who walked around the whole block of land with the modem to see if he could get a signal anywhere, I can now use my Internet...only I have to sit in a tree!

The connection does still keep dropping out but as long as I don't drop out of my tree, I'm happy:)
And the view from here is great...just the change in perspective I needed.

Note to self: spend more time in trees.

Banana and Almond pancakes.

2011-02-14T12:53:00.000+10:00

Banana and Almond Pancakes

Another new recipe that contains no gluten or dairy products for those of us with sensitive tummies.

First you get a really cute toddler to help mash two bananas.

Then mix in a large egg, a pinch of cinamon and about a cup of Almond meal (I grind my almonds in a blender so the meal is not as smooth as the pre-packaged almond meal from the shops).

Fry as for normal pancakes but on a lower temperature so they set harder.

Serve with a dollop of honey and scoff!

Rainbow's and dreams

2011-02-12T09:57:00.000+10:00

Always thought there is something so magical about raindows, the stories and dreams they conjure, the ever surprising beautiy of nature, their transient nature.

Big Kids and Little Kids.

2011-02-10T19:01:00.000+10:00

We've been having this discussion lately, well the kids have and they have asked me to adjudicate. The question is
How old are big kids?

Rain says you have to be 10 to be a big kid, Mr T says that he is a big kid so it must be about 6 that you become a big kid.

Anyway my answer to the question was that you are a baby til you can walk, then you are a toddler until you are about three/ four and start stretching up and losing that cute little toddler pot belly, then you become a little kid.
You become a big kid when you get your two top front teeth, at ten you are a pre-teen and obviously at 13 your are a teenager.
My answer didn't really make any difference to the on going discussion anyway. And Yep, I know it is a pointless argument really but what do you all think?

Free wheeling dare devils

2011-02-05T10:27:00.002+10:00

Often my kids have the ability to almost stop my heart with their crazy stunts. Yesterday I watched 16yr old Zan doing back flips off a 4m high rock above a water hole in the river. He then encouraged 11yr old Rain to jump off as well.

I must admit that I jumped too. It was fun and exhilarating but I think a part of my motivation was to prove that I'm not a boring 38yr old mum sitting on the sidelines, passed participating because I'm too old and 'responsible'.

But watching the kids perform stunts can at times bring on a bit of 'mother anxiety'.

Today 6yr old T was doing back flips into the local swimming pool. Then this afternoon at home he created the Aerial Half pipe. (see video below)

Even Tui at age two does things that make people cringe in their fear for her safety, their assumption that kids are not born knowing how to keep them selves safe, with an acute sense of what they are capable of. She will happily push a chair up to the kitchen bench, select a sharp knife from the draw and cut up an orange for herself to eat. Because she has never been told not to, she has never been told "don’t use knives or you will cut yourself!" Comments like these erode a child's confidence in their abilities, it sets up negative outcomes for them, if you are told often enough that you will fall or will cut yourself then chances are you will.

And although my heart jumps up into my mouth sometimes and I have to bite back words, (that come unbidden from my own childhood) words that you hear parents saying way too often, I feel so proud of my kids.
A great Aussie example of these words is "Don't do that! You'll break your bloody neck!"

I'm proud that they are free to do stuff. They push their physical bodies, they test their courage, imagine incredible feats and all with no interference from me. I’ve have tried hard to never tell my kids negative outcomes, sometimes I have suggested modifications for safety but mostly they work it all out for themselves.

I love my free wheeling dare devil kids.

Gardeners Falls

2011-02-03T19:08:00.000+10:00

We drove up to Maleny today to pick Zan up from his Dad's house and on the way home stopped at Gardeners Falls.

I haven't been there for years but it's one of my favourite waterholes on the coast.

Zan Rain and I took turns leaping off the 4m high waterfall, into the deep pool below.

It was so hot today and the water was so refreshing.

Tui and Mr T played in the shallows further up stream.

Mr T was most impressed when I showed him how to disappear under this small waterfall into the little cave behind it where you can sit and watch the water rushing down in front of you.

We had to do it so many times.

There was alot of damage surrounding the creek from the recent floods but it is still a beautiful place. I love the feeling I get in the rainforest and swimming in fresh clear clean water.

Gluten free dessert

2011-02-02T08:10:00.000+10:00

I've been trying to eat Gluten free the last three weeks. It does seem to make me feel alot better but it's been tricky adjusting my cooking and meals to be gluten free.

Yesterday I created this dessert.

Apple and polenta cake.

First I stewed some apples in rice milk with some sugar, cardamon and cinnamon.

Then I added Polenta and cooked it until it had thickened, put it in a dish and sprinkled the top with a mixture of coconut, cashews, almonds, seasame seeds, sunflower seeds and sultanas.

I baked it for about twenty minutes until it was totally set and made a caramel sauce to drizzle over the top.

The result? Gluten free yumminess!!!

In the fairy garden.

2011-01-30T15:52:00.001+10:00

The Jasmine vine has finally grown to cover the archway I built out of reo bar and concrete reinforcing mesh. I love walking through here into the fairy garden .

The Agapanthus that I grew from a single cutting from my Mum's bush surrounds the fairy circle. They are Tui's favourites because they are so bright and big.

This little seat which is a wonderful place to sit out of the Sun and to pick strawberries and mulberries straight out of the garden, yum!

I planted these two lilli pillys four years ago to form another arch to get to another secret part of the garden. Finally they are starting to touch, Peace pruned them into a really nice arch this morning :)

The tree with the platform is looking so lovely and bushy, a perfect spot to sit quietly and meditate.

This afternoon the kids took all the prunings from our garden tidy up and built a little humpy.

Tui hiding inside.

Now they are have started a camp fire and are roasting potatoes and cooking toast.

I have a blessed life.

Crochet top

2011-01-29T10:44:00.000+10:00

Happy days :)

2011-01-22T11:45:00.000+10:00

Hanging with the family :)

Displaced wildlife and a wee little garden.

2011-01-16T14:39:00.001+10:00

The forgotten victims of the recent flooding are all the wildlife. There are so many animals that have been affected by the floods. Their homes and burrows destroyed by raging water, food sources washed away and animals directly killed by the floods.

We have been having many visits from snakes this last week. I guess they are all up here away from the river and also are out looking for food now that it is sunny enough for them to be on the move.

This snake made it's way into a box of crockery I had packed to move.

The box was out in the shed but Peace thought the box looked too flimsy to hold the weight of the crockery so brought the box into the house to repack...and as he was unpacking it he came across this carpet python.

Carpet pythons are harmless although they do grow very big and the thought of having any snake inside the house is enough to scare the crap out of me...

He took the box out and the snake slowly moved on.

We have seen 5 snakes this past week, usually we see that many over a couple of months. Luckily they have all been pythons. Three carpet pythons, a Green Tree python and a Brown Tree Python.

This morning Mr T spent hours making things out of his block and then he helped me to make a mini-Rainbow Love Farm.

I am sad at the thought of leaving all my plants behind so we took some cutting of some herbs and planted them all into one big broccoli box, so that where ever we end up I will have the beginnings of a new herb garden.

We planted some lemon grass, comfrey root, ceylon spinach, oregano, yarrow, garlic chives and a small chill seedling. It looks a bit sad at the moment but hopefully they will all survive.

A Lovelea Gift

2011-01-13T12:01:00.000+10:00

Yesterday, when the post man actually managed to get through because the flood waters had receeded enough for the roads to be opened I got a lovely surprise. There was a parcel in the post for me from the Lovely Lea. A package of three awesome cloth pads.

You can find Lea's shop here and if you are on facebook checkout her page here.
She also makes really cool cloth nappies :)

An rainy adventure.

2011-01-11T21:23:00.000+10:00

Going to the shop to get supplies becaomes an adventure when there are floods everywhere.

can't get to town this way...

waiting for Dad to go to the shop

P at the shop...across the creek, which is usually the road...

P crossing back with gas for the oven...

yay! got supplies in case we are flooded in for longer.

Qld Floods

2011-01-09T11:32:00.001+10:00

veiw from the veranda today...and it is still pouring down!

I just can't believe the amount of rain that has poured down over the last month or more. So far we have been having lots of rainy days ut we aren't in one of the really badly affected areas. So far the area of Queensland that is flooded is equivalent in size to the whole state of NSW or the whole of England and Germany combined! And more rain is on the way. Flooding is expected to spread, especially in my local area.

My heart goes out to all the people who have lost everything.
Today the water has been slowly rising around the house and I can imagine the panic and fear that people must feel as they watch the water rise and know that everything is going to go under.

6, 7, 8, 9 hang your bloomers on the line.

2011-01-03T17:30:00.000+10:00

Today I decided to sort and store all the fancy dress costumes. So I rounded them all up and thought they could all use a wash before packing them away.

It was such a strange load of washing on the line I had to take photos.

I love the bright colours and bold patterns in all these old '70's fabrics.

But right in the middle of the washing and the folding and the sorting I had a visit from three very odd visitors.

A very cute clown...

This rough nasty looking Pirate...

And a Disco Diva!

So I invited them all in for afternoon tea.
:)

Stuff and nonsense.

2011-01-03T06:49:00.001+10:00

Because I have been packing I've been contemplating "stuff". It is amazing the amount of stuff that we surround ourselves with.

And it's amzing that we manage to surround ourselves with stuff in such a short time and even on a very limited budget.

Our stuff seems to fill in the spaces around us that could other wise be the space we need to contemplate.

Ten years ago Peace and I bought a bus to travel in and we sold all our stuff that we weren't taking traveling with us. We stopped travelling 8 years ago and I was determined not to collect too much stuff, only what we deemed necessary.

Kids seem to come with alot more stuff for the size of them than you'd expect. And our cultures way of celebrating birthdays and Christmas (which is to give stuff) is one way the tiny little cute baby all of a sudden needs their own bedroom. Not necessarily to sleep in (cause Mummy's bed is so much better for that!) but to store an accumulation of stuff in. Stuff that they don't even understand the concept of owning, or using yet.

It's amazing how quickly they get attached to their stuff when they start to understand.

Some of my kids more than others love to keep their stuff even when it is of no more use...broken toys, clothes that no longer fit but that have some sort of special significance.

One of my kids love to clear space (must take after me)

The littlest is only just learning the concept of belongings.

Some of the stuff we provide for our kids we call useful, because it provides them opportunities to learn. Books, microscopes and musical instruments...but I wonder what intrinsic value these have that makes them any greater than other belongings?

Talking about musical instruments, it was only while packing up the house that I realized just how many we have. They are all spread over the place, in different bedrooms, pushed into corners to make space.

One day I'd love to have a room with all the musical instruments in one place, easily accessible, because anything that makes music has more value than just any object... music the balm for the soul.

And in case you are wondering just how many instruments we have, here is a list off the top of my head.

An electric guitar and amplifier, an acoustic guitar, a 3/4 size guitar, and the latest acquisition a pink Ukulele.

3 Djembes, 2 Darabukas, a kids size drum kit, 2 recorders, a bamboo flute, a key board, an African finger harp, an Ocarina, a Kazoo, 3 didgeridoos, 2 sets of clap sticks, various percussion instruments including a xylophone, shakers, a triangle.

And Peace just told me this morning that he'd been given 2 didgeridoo blanks so he can make a couple more digdges.

And another object that I like to believe has more value than it's value as just an object are books. The one thing I really have trouble parting with...

Sigh...all this stuff to fill in the spaces where I might otherwise spend my time looking for magic.

The hat that grew itself.

2010-12-31T10:16:00.000+10:00

The latest hat I just finished crocheting kind of grew itself. I had no idea that I was even making something when I started...
You see, my sister gave me a freeform crochet book for Christmas and I didn't really have any idea what to try making so I just grabbed some random wool from my bag to try out some of the cool motif patterns.
All the stuff I crochet is kind of free-form because I don't follow patterns but make it up as I go but I haven't done any real free-form (actually I prefer to call it free-stylin' crochet lol) since I made this poncho for Mr T when he was a baby.

I started making some free form patterns, some odd shapes and triangles and then tried a few spirals. I LOVED making the spirals and got carried away making all different sizes and colours.

So I started thinking about joining them all together and seeing what I could create.

The result was a strip of spirals and circles that were about long enough to go around a head. I crocheted the crown of a beanie and sewed the pieces onto it. Then filled in the gaps with more crocheted circles.

The end result looked pretty funky but I decided I wanted to define some of the spirals a bit more and embroidered more spirals in 2ply cotton... and got carried away and embroidered many more spirals...

My embroidery skills are not the greatest, I stuck to chain stitch because it is about one of the only stitches I know. When I was reading my wonderful friend Char's blog over here at Begborosteel yesterday, I laughed at her description of her "caveman" quality embroidery...I can totally relate to that.

So here's the hat, I'm not sure if it is even finished yet, I might add some beads and tassels to it to make it even more over the top.

Which brings me to the much procrastinated task of packing away my craft supplies for when we move... I've already packed my sewing machine and some bits and pieces but it is so hard to work out which yarns I can't live without for a month. And I keep putting it off because I just need it all accessible just so I can make one-more-thing...
I guess I'll do it eventually, perhaps as the removal truck is pulling into the driveway :P